What to watch for in tonight’s Birds vs. Stillers matchup:
The Eagles Television Network – ETN
I furiously searched online to no avail to see who would be manning the booth tonight. Does anyone have a lead for me? Will it be the human caricature Don Tollefson? The spaghetti-fingered Brian Baldinger? Word-fumbler Hugh Douglas? Maybe the normally rational Ron Jaworski (Dr. Jekyll) who morphs in a slobbering Pro-Eagles Mr. Hyde. Dave Spadaro will be there no doubt on the “Spud Cam” with Chris McPherson delivering hard-hitting analysis like trying on different players helmets on the sideline. Maybe they’ll throw in a local homeless guy to spice it up a little. I just don’t know.
Nothing against Chris McPherson but how did wrangle that job and what is he being paid? I’m gunning for you McPherson.
Anyhow, the broadcast will likely resemble your high school’s closed circuit television program following the pledge of allegiance in homeroom.
Play-calling
Will the play-calling be strictly vanilla? Will it be French Vanilla? Will it have jimmies on top with a sprinkle of cinnamon? No doubt it will be sponsored by Turkey Hill.
Who the hell are these guys?
Wade Bonner, John Gill, Alfred McCullough, Ollie Ogbu, Ryan Rau, and Thomas Welch. These guys will all play tonight. Seriously, who the hell are they? Spadaro will likely have 4-minute bio segments on all of them and they’ll be cut 45 seconds after the game ends.
Replacement Officials
Will they be adequately shitty, just plain shitty, or a shit-storm of shittyness?
Training Camp Darling Watch
Arguably the most important thing to watch for in tonight’s game. Who will spread his wings from caterpillar to butterfly and capture the desperate minds of the fanbase? The current TCD rankings:
1. Dion Lewis
2. Bryce Brown
3. Marvin McNutt
4. Vinny Curry
5. Damaris Johnson
6. Brett Brackett
7. Curtis Marsh
8. Philip Hunt
9. Cliff Harris
